Life Passing You By
by Emily R
Summary: Kathryn faces the sorrow of all she´s missing out on.


Life Passing You By  
By Emily December 2001  
  
Summary: Kathryn faces the sorrow of all she´s missing out on.  
  
"Alright Doctor, let's get this over with." Kathryn Janeway said as she walked briskly into sickbay.  
"Captain, I don't understand this crews feelings towards routine examinations, it seems some would rather scrub the warp core than see to their health." The Doctor complained.  
"I can't imagine why that would be." Kathryn said, trying to hide the impatience in her voice. And almost succeeding.  
The Doctor eyed her suspiciously and remarked sarcastically.  
"Good thing you're not one of them Captain, you are, after all somewhat of a role model to the crew."  
The captain just nodded from her seat perched on a bio bed, sometimes she wished she were a lowly crewmember, then at least she could pout and complain once in a while.  
The examination continued in silence for a few minutes until the Doctor suddenly stopped his motion of the tricorder and looked closer at the readings.  
"Hmm..." he said.  
"Hmm? What are you hmming about?" Kathryn asked tilting her head trying to get a look at the tricorder readings.  
"I'm not sure yet Captain. Let me take a more sensitive scan".  
With that he rolled forth a big instrument and something inside Kathryn churned.  
IHe needs that!I She thought trying to calm herself as she lay down as the device passed back and forth over her stomach.  
Five minutes later she was walking through the corridors again, this time on her way to the bridge with a message from the Doctor that he would contact her by the end of the day.  
The day proceeded uneventfully and, despite her fears to the contrary, Kathryn managed to get her worries out of her mind.  
In the afternoon however she once again found herself in sickbay, this time seated in the Doctors office facing a serious EMH.  
"Captain...there's no easy way to say this..."  
"So just say it Doctor." Kathryn said tersely, the Doctors behaviour only making her more worried.  
"When I performed scans on you earlier I found something disturbing." He said and turned his computer console so that Kathryn could see.  
Kathryn looked intently at the screen, taking in what she saw then said in a quite voice.  
"It's my uterus."  
"Yes." The Doctor said, eyeing the captain carefully.  
"A few years ago you and Commander Chakotay were given a Vidiian treatment that enabled you to leave the planet where we had been forced to leave you..."  
"New Earth!" Kathryn whispered.  
"Yes... well, the treatment that was administered to you had an adverse affect, something that no one could have anticipated at the time and even if I would have suspected it, there would have been no signs of it at the time, it has taken all these years for it to manifest itself."  
"I understand Doctor." The Captain said in a neutral tone.  
They were quite for a time and then the Captain voiced what the Doctor had been building up the courage to say.  
"This means that I can't have any children."  
"Yes" was all the Doctor said. "You should however know that I am quite optimistic that I can find a treatment."  
"And if you can't?"  
"If I can't...I will have to remove your uterus so that the illness doesn't spread to the rest of your body."  
"I see...well...thank you Doctor, I trust you will keep me informed."  
With that Kathryn Janeway exited sickbay with a sad and worried looking Doctor looking after her.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
She couldn't concentrate. She shook her head angrily and picked up the padd once again and started reading. She read two sentences before she found herself staring into space again.  
Sighing loudly she stood up and walked out onto the bridge. Without saying anything to the crew in place she walked up to the turbolift doors and was gone before anyone could say a word.  
Ten minutes later she entered the holodeck, dressed in her workout clothes she walked up to the boxing ring and started beating at the punching bag.  
It was really Chakotay´s program but he had said that she could use it whenever she wanted to let off some steam and up until now she hadn't used it, but she admitted to herself that it felt good. Punching the hard punching bag Kicking it hard with her foot, grunting as she punched it as hard as she could.  
She didn't even notice the holodeck doors open and the form stand by the rings and observe her.  
"Your elbow is too high up." She heard someone say and whirled around and watched Chakotay step onto the ring.  
"Chakotay! What are you doing here?"  
"Well, I had planned on going a few rounds but I see that you've annexed my boxing program."  
"Sorry, I was just finished." She said and walked over to the rope.  
"Hold on Kathryn, I didn't mean that you had to leave. Come on, hit the punching bag again." He said as he held on to it with his hands.  
Kathryn sighed a little but turned around and started hitting the punching bag.  
"Lower your elbow Kathryn."  
She lowered it and started beating the punching bag even harder. However she raised the punching bag again, and again, Chakotay told her to lower it.  
She glared at him and kicked the punching bag coming very close to kicking his head.  
It went on like that for a few minutes until Kathryn, exhausted sat down on the floor.  
Chakotay sat down opposite her and took her gloves of her hands while saying;  
"You must have had a lot inside that you wanted to get out Kathryn, I've never seen you hit the punching bag that hard."  
"Yeah."  
"Did it help?"  
"Alittle."  
"Anything you want to talk about?"  
"Not really."  
He was quiet, watching her, her head lowered.  
"So how did it go with the Doctor today?"  
Her head snapped up.  
"What...how did you know about that?"  
He looked at her curiously, convinced now that something more was bothering her. "Come on Kathryn, your yearly physical. Everyone knows it was today."  
"Oh." Was all she said.  
There was a moments silence and then he stood up and handed his hand to her.  
"How about I follow you to your quarters?"  
"I thought you came here to box?"  
He shrugged, "I don't really feel like boxing."  
She took his hand and ended the program as they walked out.  
The walk to her quarters was silent. As she was about to walk through her doors she felt his hand on her arm.  
"Kathryn, I can tell something is bothering you, I just want you to know that if you feel like talking, whatever time of the day, I'm here."  
And with that he left.  
Her sleep was anything but peaceful. She dreamt of babies and children. First she saw Justin and herself, smiling over a new-born. Then it was Mark who held the hand of a little child. And then, the image that made her wake up, was of her and Chakotay looking down at the form of their child. She woke up with tears streaming down her face.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Two days went by and Kathryn tried to fill the entire time with work to keep her from thinking about what the Doctor had revealed. After the first day there were no more reports to read so, in a panic, she began a long term project with B´Elanna and Seven in engineering.  
But still she couldn't escape the dreams.  
After four days the Doctor contacted her again. She walked, not briskly to sickbay, but slowly, wishing someone would contact her with something urgent so she wouldn't have to go.  
She had no such luck.  
"Captain, I was beginning to think you wouldn't come." The Doctor said in a happy voice as she entered sickbay.  
"Well I'm here now Doctor."  
The two of them once again went into the Doctors office and sat down.  
"So what's the prognosis Doctor?"  
"I'm pleased to report Captain that I have found a treatment that will completely disable the degradation. It is however not an easy procedure, there are...risks, you could for example come out of it no better than you are now. I am quite confident though, and once it is done you will be as good as new, and, I might add, be able to conceive, should you wish."  
The Doctor beamed, obviously proud of himself for managing, once again, to come up with a successful treatment.  
The Captain however sat still in her chair. Not knowing how to react. Should she be happy? That would be the logical emotion and was obviously what the Doctor expected, but for what?  
IYou will be able to conceive/I that was what he had said. IConceive! /IThe idea was preposterous, she couldn't have a child, she was Captain for crying out loud.  
"Captain...Captain, are you alright?"  
The Doctors voice brought her back and she quickly stood up and nodded to him.  
"Yes Doctor, I fine. I have to be going now, I will give this some thought and get back to you."  
And with that she was gone, leaving a bewildered Doctor.  
"What's there to think about?" He said to himself.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
The sound of the buzzer brought Chakotay out of his sleep and he swore silently to himself, it had been so hard to fall asleep.  
IThis better be important/I he said to himself as he walked to the door.  
"Kathryn?"  
"Chakotay...I...uh. Well you said that...well I thought we could talk...I'm sorry I woke you, I´ll come back tomorrow." Kathryn turned around but Chakotays hand caught her arm.  
"Kathryn come in, after all I'm awake now."  
He took a step back and she walked hesitantly into the room, feeling unsure suddenly of whether she should be there. But she needed to talk about this with someone. INo not just with someone /Ishe corrected herself. She needed to talk to Ihim /Iabout this.  
"Would you like to some tea?" he asked as she sat down on the couch.  
"That would be nice."  
As he busied himself with the tea she made herself comfortable on the couch, tucking her feet in under her.  
"Here you go." He said handing her the tea and at down next to her.  
"Thankyou."  
They were silent, he not wanting to push her, and she, not knowing where or how to start.  
Finally she blurted out,  
"I saw the Doctor the other day."  
He nodded. "Was everything all right?"  
She looked down at the pillow she was holding.  
"Well...not really. He found...there is something wrong but he says he can fix it."  
He tried not to worry, she had, afterall, said that the Doctor could fix it.  
"That's good...Do you mind if I ask what the problem was?"  
"No...It's my uterus." IGreat Kathryn, I bet that's something he wanted to hear. /I  
"Your...your uterus?"  
"Yes. You see...years ago I was given a medication for...another thing and it had this side effect that hasn't manifested itself until now. The Doctor says he can fix it, so that the degradation doesn't spread to the rest of my body...it's a risky procedure, there's no way of knowing how it could end. And if that's the case the Doctor will have to remove my uterus completely."  
"What medication was it?" Chakotay asked, wanting to keep her talking.  
Kathryn swore to herself, she had hoped to avoid that particular subject.  
"It was the treatment that we got from the Vidiians."  
She didn't say anymore, hoping Chakotay would catch on. And by the look on his face, he had.  
"Oh." He chuckled silently getting a curious look from Kathryn.  
"I'm sorry it's just that now my yearly physical makes a lot more sense. The Doctor was unusually thorough and he wouldn't tell me if it was for any specific reason. He was probably looking for the same degradation in me, since I was given the medication as well."  
They were silent, Chakotay looked at his Captain and could see that she was close to tears. He had never seen her like this and it unnerved him somewhat, but it also made him strangely glad that she felt so relaxed and comfortable in his presence that she could.  
He scooted closer to her and she didn't seem to mind to closeness.  
"Are you worried that the operation will go wrong?"  
"No...I don't care whether it goes well or not."  
He was confused and brought his hand to her chin and lifted her face up to look at him.  
"Why is that Kathryn?"  
"Chakotay"... She sighed in exasperation. "What does it matter if I can't have children or not, I´ll never get the chance anyway."  
He was silent.  
"We all know that I will never be able to have children here on Voyager. Even if I had someone to have them with." She added with a slight laugh. "That is a line I couldn't cross. And even if we get home tomorrow...Well I´d have to find a husband first."  
I always assumed that I would have a family one day. A husband, children and all that comes with it. Justin and I...we were so young, thought we had so much time to do all those things. And Mark...Mark and I never even discussed it. I think...I think that maybe he thought that I didn't want children. Because of my career and all. And maybe he was right. Maybe I don't want children. Maybe I'm just saying that I do because that's...the norm? I don't know."  
Chakotay took her hand gently in his and smiled a sad smile.  
"Kathryn I don't have any answers for you. But I don't think you should give up on having a family. You might not be able to have it now but...don't give up. If you don't want to go through with the operation, there is a risk that you might regret it further down the road. Whether you want children now or not."  
They smiled tenderly at each other and Kathryn leaned her head on his shoulder. Chakotays arm wrapped around her lightly and he gently kissed her hair.  
Kathryn's thoughts went back to the dream she had had several nights before. Seeing herself and Chakotay with a baby. She felt the tears well up again and buried her face in his shirt. I Typical /Ishe thought to herself II find someone I want to have a family with and our circumstances won't allow it! /I  
She didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  
She heard Chakotay chuckle softly and raised her head to look at him.  
"What's so funny?"  
"I was thinking that life certainly is ironic. For so many years now I've done things out of duty and responsibility. And now that I've found someone I could have a family with, circumstances won't allow it. I don't know whether to laugh or cry."  
Neither Kathryn or Chakotay himself could believe he had just said that.  
Kathryn couldn't speak and Chakotay didn't want to speak for fear he would, once again, say too much.  
Kathryn sat up straighter and looked at him for a long time, seeming to trying to make up her mind about something. Then, catching Chakotay completely off guard, she threw her arms around his neck and hugged him hard saying his name softly over and over.  
Chakotay wrapped hesitantly his arms around her and soon they were embarrassing unashamedly rocking back and forth on the couch, both cursing their circumstances and life's irony.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Kathryn woke up lying sprawled across Chakotay on his couch. She raised her head and looked at him.  
"What are you looking at?" she heard him say in a tired voice.  
"You."  
"Oh, I can't be that interesting?"  
"You're very interesting actually." She said running her fingers along his face drawing invisible patterns on his skin.  
He raised himself to a seated position.  
"You make it impossible for me to sleep when you do that you know."  
"Oh...sorry...Chakotay?"  
"Yes."  
"Would you like to make an agreement with me?"  
"What kind of agreement?"  
"Well, how about that when we get home and if we're not too old, we...get married. Just to be able to say that we've been married I mean."  
"Just to have been married you say?"  
She nodded, not quite believing she was asking.  
"I suppose it couldn't do any harm." He said seriously but she could see the smile in his eyes.  
"Do we need it in writing?"  
"I don't think so. I´ll remember. I might even remind you now and then." She said, smiling herself now.  
"Oh really, how will you do that?"  
"Like this." She said as she took his face in her hands and gave him a soft, tender kiss that both of them felt throughout their bodies.  
"Oh, I might need to be reminded often."  
"Fine by me." She replied as their mouths met again.  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Two days later Kathryn Janeway lay on a bio bed being prepped for surgery. The Doctor and Tom Paris were sterilising the instruments as the doors opened and Chakotay walked in.  
"Hey." He said gently as he took her hand.  
"Hi. I wasn't sure if you would come."  
"Ofcourse I came. How do you feel?"  
"Okay...well, a little apprehensive."  
"That's to be expected."  
"Yeah. Chakotay?"  
"Yes Kathryn."  
"Do you think I´ll ever have the opportunity to have a family?"  
Chakotay looked at silently for a moment and then said softly.  
"Yes Kathryn, someday you will have that opportunity. In the meantime you'll have to make due with the one here on Voyager."  
"Thank you."  
"Anytime."  
And with that Kathryn Janeway felt the hiss of a hypospray on her neck and fell asleep.  
THE END 


End file.
